Monday, August 16, 2010

Lessons from Dayshift

1. You shouldn't bring heroin into a bank. It's very likely that you will forget it there, and then the police will show up at your house.

2. Hanging out at a major retail chain with a big rubber dildo and asking random women if they want to "go for a ride" is no way to get a date.

3. Saying "large rubber penis" on the radio in a straight voice is thus far my proudest moment as a dispatcher. 

4. The chances of an assault with injuries at 0645 turning into a hostage situation is directly inverse to the amount of coffee I have consumed.

5. If you're the traffic unit and you piss me off by suggesting *I* get you a new portable radio, I will suddenly remember you're eligible for the call rotation by giving you the next 5 in a row.

6. If your last relationship ended in a PFA filed against you, and your current one is disintegrating before your eyes as your significant other sets your clothing ablaze on the front lawn, perhaps staying single for a bit is a good idea.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Heebie Jeebies

Despite my badge bunny protestations, I have to admit I've dated a cop. One cop. The only cop I've ever been involved with in any way, shape, or form. We both loved each other, and had one of us not done the jobs we do I like to think it would have worked out. I make a point not to work his district when he's on. Not because it ended badly, but because of what almost happened tonight.

It's been raining outside and he goes out on a traffic stop:

"9-2-paul-43, I'll be southbound route 404 with whiskey-tango-8-9-yankee. It's a blue Lexus and I'm on the left hand shoulder." Obviously I know his little quirks, the two important ones here being: he drives an unmarked car, and he never gives out vehicle descriptions on stops unless there's a problem. He's on the left hand shoulder of a major highway. It's wet out. He's in an unmarked car. This driver has given him some reason to be wary. This is a perfect storm scenario of a recurring nightmare I have.

I send backup, and turn up the side channel a notch figuring if something goes south I'll hear it there first. And it does-- *click click* "Move to your right!"

Later I find out this is where he almost gets clipped by a truck.

He clears the stop and heads back out to hunt. Less than five minutes later he pulls over another car on the same highway that has again stopped on the left hand shoulder. I've had enough.

To 92P43 from PD221:  You're banned from stops on 404 for the remainder of the night. It'd be bad enough if it were someone else getting hit, I can't handle it being you. Go patrol the shopping center.

To PD221 from 92P43:  Yes ma'am, understood.

At least he can still follow instructions.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Such a Sweetheart

20 minutes before my shift is over, the phone rings. 

"Where is the on-call court this morning?"

"Judge Matheson, in New Township." I can tell by the silence on the other end of the phone that Officer McCue is not at all familiar with this particular part of the county. "Do you need directions?" After relaying them slowly, in standard direction format, I give them again, this time with landmarks. He still sounds uncertain.

"It's literally a block away from my house. Do you want my phone number in case you get lost?"

"No. It's bad enough you had to listen to this guy in the back of the car over the radio, I don't want you to have to hear him again."

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dispatcher ADHD

The longer I do this job, the harder I find it to focus on just. one. thing.

I'm reading 3 different books right now. I'm not happy unless I have 8 tabs of internet open, a movie on TV, music playing, and multiple text message conversations taking place. And that's at home.

Give me a slow district at work and watch my mental breakdown occur one hour at a time. At 2300 I'm trying to bring incidents on my screen through sheer force of will. By 0200 I'm instituting a game of traffic stop bingo and trying to talk my officers into mock pursuits in their personal vehicles. The former is great fun, the latter never happens but I'm not giving up just yet.

Tonight I'm sitting in data with no data to run. My partner is sitting here highlighting passages in her bible and sighing heavily, so... yeah. I'm out of Netflix movies. My Google Reader is empty. I've had 3 cups of coffee.