Friday, April 8, 2011

This and That

Monroeville Boro calls in for a File 2* on an a vehicle for unauthorized use (I can't fucking win with these...).

The state police are unusually quick with their response, so I call the officer back while he's in his car.

"I have the information you need."

"Ok, let me just pu--"

*mdc dings signaling the arrival of the tag to his car terminal.*


"Efficient as ever, Sassy, thank you."

"Do you need anything else before I hang up?"

"Could you fill out the attempt to locate form for me and save me the fax?"

"DISPATCHER. Not secretary."

*File 2:  request to query BMV database for vehicles registered to a subject.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The After Action Report:

"Woman claims her baby daddy who was sound asleep was plotting on the phone to have her shot. Trying to say his new girlfriend is trying to adopt her kid. She hears "Just get rid of her, she's asleep, shoot her." So she decides to jump from the second floor window in a dilapidated Appalachian back woods house. Mark and I are beating on the house trying to wake George. No avail. We find a ladder, I climb up to the open window see the kid asleep. Go back down, crawl through a first floor window open the front door, Mark and I go through the dark house to find the boyfriend sound asleep. Everything okay. She has no mental health or drug issues. I'm buying that."

Monday, April 4, 2011

RANT: Attempt To Locate

I want to talk about the crock of shit that an "attempt to locate vehicle- no charges pending" entry is. If some dumb ass person in your jurisdiction has lent out their vehicle (in this case to a damn crackhead) and said person does not return with the vehicle-- they have fucking stolen it. That's right, I said it.

But, since my department honors the farce that is ATLV (no NCIC entry, in county radio message only) this is the scenario I dealt with tonight.

Officer calls about an ATLV broadcast two days ago. He would now like an out of county message sent over the teletype system to the "Western area of The Big City" because the owner of the vehicle thinks the thief is buying drugs in the area. I break it down for him: I'm going to send this message, their HUGE, almost New York City sized comm center is going to ignore it because it's not in NCIC and there are no charges. On the off chance they do broadcast it to break up the monotony of a crushingly slow night shift, you're relying on officer memory because the vehicle is not in NCIC and nothing is going to ping on their terminal. I hint in the strongest possible terms that he should push to enter this stolen and then do what he asked.

He calls back. He wants it rebroadcast in county. Fine. I can farm that out to the newbies running districts tonight with minimal effort.

He calls back again. "Hey, I was wondering if you could send that to--"

"No."

"What do you mean n-"

"Either this vehicle is stolen or I am washing my hands of it. I'm not kidding. She gave it to a crackhead. It's stolen or she gifted it."

"The owner won't say it's stolen. I can't."

"ItshouldbeenteredintoncicohmygodwhatiswrongwithyoumakingmedoallthisworkjustputitinncicNOW."



Now, here's the thing. Am I playing the role of bitchy dispatcher? Yes. But with good reason. This is making me do stupid work that the NCIC system would do automatically and much more efficiently. The NCIC police are not going to arrest you for putting a car in. Furthermore, I don't give a damn about your stats. Someone has the car who should no longer have it. It's stolen. Rental cars certainly enter them as stolen if the client doesn't come back on time. IT'S STOLEN. ENTER IT.

Also, multiple phone calls to me to accomplish what could have happened in one? Annoying. Don't do that. Get your shit together before you call me.

End dispatcher rant.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dispatcher Murphy's Law of Tow Trucks: The moment an officer keys up to ask where it is, is the moment the truck appears.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

You know it's a busy night when...

Accident Command keys up and asks for another ambulance and the fire dispatcher sitting next to you starts actively weeping because he doesn't have any more to send.

Working fire side tonight.

Stop wrecking your cars people. Seriously.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

There's a phone in there?!

FALL
228 BARN RD, COWTOWN TWP  

/0217      94/F -- LIFT ASSIST
/0218      PT IS IN BATHROOM - RP IS SON CALLING IN VAGINA.      

Monday, February 28, 2011

How To Piss Off Your Dispatcher In 4 Easy Steps

Step 1: Make a reasonable request "I need a StateDot salt truck."

Step 2: Make unreasonable demand based on fictitious time restraint involving previous reasonable request, now involving a third party. "I need the boro salt truck, StateDot won't get here in time."

Step 3: Become agitated when your dispatcher balks at the stupidity of asking her to wake up your boro road crew to salt a state road.

Step 4: Make a convoluted mess out of original request. Talk self into hole with dispatcher, boro road crew, and StateDot, ensuring your original reasonable request does not get taken care of in a timely fashion.

Viola!

(ps. I swear, I'm alive)